If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
