guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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