Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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