What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
