Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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