Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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