I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
