a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just googled if crying burns calories
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
