hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
