you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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