I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
