i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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