Can i not drive my cunt home
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
