Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
