he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
