This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Randomize
