Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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