ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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