How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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