No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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