Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
You left your phone here
Wait...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
