that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Randomize
