Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
