somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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