Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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