My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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