i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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