that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize
