Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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