If that was your dad, he is hot
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Hello my rib-scented angel!
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
