everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize