I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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