I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Randomize
