Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
