Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
