apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
