The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
The struggles of a small town man whore
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
