Tell her she can't have a vagina
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
