i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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