What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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