There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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