oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
We're too hungover to prance.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
