Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
