She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
