We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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