Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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