his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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