Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
