White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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