Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
