explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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