We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Randomize