Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
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