Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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