went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
